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Here are the latest submissions you have sent in. These are your

pages so use them, send me all you photos, clippings, stories and

emails for everyone to enjoy.

Heavenly Chorus opens her account for the season after being second last time at Carlisle due to a near perfect ride by James Reveley

Grande Jete the former South African Derby winner now in this country and winning novice hurdles owned by golfer Lee Westwood

Typical colourful Scene from South African Racing

The caption says

"ARE WE DOWNHEARTED" NO!!!!!

Fun Spot.......Fun Spot........Fun Spot.......Fun Spot

These were sent in by Dave Scott:

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

The Ant & The Grasshopper Fable:-
CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The shivering
grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

BRITISH VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good,
eh?

The shivering grasshopper rings the gazette and calls a press conference and demands
to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while
others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up
to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a
video of the ant in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table
laden with food. The British are stunned that in a country of such wealth,
this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Liberals, The Respect Party, The TIA, The Transvestites With
Starving Babies Party, The Single Lesbian One
Eyed Mothers Party, IBIS, The Joan McTigue Narcissus Party, and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Rastafarian
cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts
them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Ken Livingstone, laments in interviews with Panorama and Blue Peter that the
ant has got rich off the backs of Grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In
response, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and
Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the
summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing
to Hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine
and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by
Camden Council. The ant moves to France, and starts a successful AgriBiz
company [funded by the EU] (although within weeks, his business is
threatened with Compulsory purchase by the state unless he marries a
French maiden ant).

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the
last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the
government House he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to
head a commission of enquiry That will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Guardian
blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root
causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is
taken over by a Gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for
enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a
marijuana growing Operations and terrorise the community.

THE
END

Our members are a very very clever group thereore I know they will come up with the correct answers to the questions below

questions to make you think !

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three whowere deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis,would you recommend that she have an abortion?.... Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A. Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C. He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolf Hitler. And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.Wait till you see the end of this SECTION Keep reading...

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs...built the ark. Professionals...built the Titanic ......And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: *29 have been accused of spousal abuse * 7 have been arrested for fraud * 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses * 3 have done time for assault * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit >>* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...Can you guess which organisation this is? Give up yet?.........It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of the US in line.

.Thinking about our trips to Ireland with Ryanair

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Ryanair pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Two men are sitting in a bar. One asks where the other is from. "Ireland," he says. "Well I never! I'm from Ireland myself. Which part of Ireland?" "Kerry," he says. "Would you believe it? So am I. Where exactly in Kerry?" "Killarney," he says. "Bless me! The very same place. What school were you at?" "St Columba's." "Good grief! So was I? When did you leave?" "1971....." And so on. Another customer arrives and asks the barman if anything is going on. "Not really," he says, "but the O'Reilly twins are pissed again."

Paddy decides to go for a drop of the black stuf down to his local, just outside the pub door is a little old nun, "Do not go in there son" she says "Drink is evil, it will rot your soul" "Oh to be sure, It cant be mother have you tasted it yourself, ? " replied Paddy..."well no" said the nun, "well why not have a small Gin taster then you can judge for yourself ?" said Paddy "all right then but please put it in a cup and people will think it is tea"...Paddy walks up to the barman "a pint of Guiness and a double Gin in a china cup please barman" ....... (barman) "OH NO THAT NUN IS NOT OUTSIDE AGAIN IS SHE"

Bit of Humor from Lorcan Wyer....Yes him that used to be a bit of a jockey,............A penquin walked in to the owners and trainers bar at Sedgefield and said to the barman "have yer seen me dad" (Irish penquin) to which the barman replied "dunno WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE?"......well it had me doubled up, maybe its because it is so daft!

Mr White from Somerset

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.' His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'

Not Bad.....

Dave

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